I am sore. Physically yes, but mostly mentally. Yesterday was just not my day. Everything started great, almost too great, I probably went out too fast. And then I just fell apart. I just didn't feel like running anymore, I can't even explain why. I was just over it. Months of training culminating to finish one race and I couldn't muster up the mental strength to stick with it. Yes, I finished. Yes, I PRed. But it was not the race I wanted. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself, I thought I was tougher than that. I'm sure I will get over it in a few days, but for now I just feel like sulking a bit.
I'm taking some time off from marathon training. I want to get back to shorter, faster, funner races. I also don't have the time between my internship, work and grad school to dedicate to marathon training.
I have already started looking for a half for January, maybe in Houston since my parents both got bibs in the lottery.
There will be another marathon somewhere down the road (no pun intended), but for now it's time to get back to the fun.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
It's Marathon Time...again!
Tomorrow is the day! Can't believe it is here and I am doing another one of these damn things. Here are my goals for tomorrow:
Best: 4:05-4:10
Better:4:10-4:15
Good: Under 4:20
It won't be the race I wanted, but I am going to make the best of it. Had a good, confident run yesterday with Mom. Just trying to stay positive and enjoy the day. Good music loaded up on iPod, and I should have quite a few supporters out there as well.
Carbo-loading is done, day is winding down.
I'm off to bed soon.
Good night.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Update
Once again, it has been far too long since I have updated my blog. I really don't know why I don't post more often. It only takes a few minutes and I have had so much on my mind lately. I really need to figure out how to make this thing a bit more interactive (adding links, more pics, and the like).
So part of this blog has been inspired by my uncle, Tim. Tim works in the sport industry and I have always looked up to him. He gives me advice and I send him updates from time to time about what is going on with school and work. Today he sent me an email that said "it is great to see that you are making your life happen". And it is so friggin true. Life won't happen for you, you have to go out and get it. So here's what's been going on lately:
School- finished my first class, pretty sure I got an A, but I won't know for a few weeks. Started my second class, prof is pretty cool, lots of reading and writing for this one, but we get to dress casual, class is discussion based and we will usually get out early, WIN! I know I only go to class once a week, but by 9 PM on a Wednesday, my brain is fried! Side note: I should be writing my paper right now, but I decided to write this blog first...I know bad. Oh well.
Work- I now work at lululemon. I absolutely, positively freaking love it! There are so many opportunities for personal growth and exploration. The next two weeks I am getting ready to write out my goals: personal, health, career and fitness for the next 1, 5 and 10 years. WOW! Also coming up is the Equinox challenge and I hope to get back into the gym routine and not let training for races consume my physical activity.
Internship- I landed an internship! FINALLY, I was started to stress!! I am now working at Fox Sport in the Marketing dept doing on-air promos. It's a rad gig. Today I got to see some filming outside and then watched and logged sound bits for baseball. Thursday I get to start working on football!! Very excited for this internship!
Marathon- the Long Beach Marathon is this weekend. I can't say I am excited. Training was going great, but then I got hurt and my training took a back seat to nursing my ankle. I know this race won't be the one I planned for, but I really just want to PR, hopefully by at least 20 minutes. Goal is 4:05-4:10, but I will be happy under 4:15. I really just want to get back to well-rounded workouts and some shorter races. I need to drop some weight and work on my speed. No doubt I will do another marathon, probably next fall.
So I really need to get back to my paper so I can get to bed on time tonight. I will really try to make my posts more frequently.
Oh, one more thing. I have come up with a new daily mantra (well that's what I'm calling it). Since my life is getting really hectic, I need to make sure that I have a balance...Lulu also teaches us this. So here it is, everyday I would like to do: something good at work, have a great workout, and make sure I set aside sometime to so something that I enjoy (other than running, like watching a TV episode or reading a non-school book).
That's it for now!
Ashley
ps I am too lazy to spell check this right now...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Grad School, Training, Internships, Work
It's been two months since my last post. My life has been crazy.
I left my advertising job a month ago. Went on a two week vacation to Houston and North Carolina. Reminded me once again how badly I wish my parents and the rest of my family lived close by. I would love to go over there are on the weeks and to BBQs. But since I can't, I have to treasure the moments I do have with them.
Grad school started two weeks ago. I am really excited, the program is stellar and if I make good use of it, will really set me up for a job in this industry. Still in search of an internship. I'm trying not to panic yet. I want to make sure I choose a good one and not just one because it's there and available. I reached out to MESP again, but will likely try to do one at Long Beach. I would really like to do one with a professional sports franchise too.
On the upside, I have been offered a part-time position at a women's sports apparel company. I had an interview for another job on Sunday and it went very well. I would MUCH rather get the job I went in for on Sunday, but I guess sometimes you have to take what you can get. Waiting to hear back from them by the end of the week. In the meantime I have accepted the other job. It's always nice to have options.
Training has been going pretty well too. Running for two weeks in the heat in the south killed my mile times, but I kept the mileage up and consistent. Right now I am up to 35 miles per week and did a long run of 16 this past weekend. The 16 miler was brutal, not the distance, but the terrain and hills crushed my legs. I still kept on pace though, and that is very motivating. The hills I have been running can only make me stronger and get me closer to that sub 4 hour goal.
I have also been running with my partner/coach/mentor James. Not sure what to call him, but he has been helping me plan my runs and paces. James is an incredible runner. Someone who is just born to do it. I can't believe he actually wants to take me out and run with me. I feel very fortunate. He has been helping push the pace on my shorter runs.
I have also lost weight since leaving my job. I know that all the training is a big contributor. But I'm also very happy that food is becoming a second thought for me. I'm making better choices and not dwelling on bad decisions. I am choosing foods that are right for my body and will help fuel my training. After seeing positive results, it encourages me to continue the trend into the next week and not fall off the wagon.
That's it for now, I have to get back to some internship searching and go fill out paperwork for my job.
Ashley
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Head For The Hills
Day #2 of training has been conquered! Today was a "hills" day with no goal pace. I ran a new course into PV. I ran and out and back course so that I wouldn't get lost because I was running in some unknown territory. The run went by fast, I'm guessing that's because it was a change of scenery and I didn't know what was next. My time was just over 41 min, and I am happy with that. I tackled a pretty big hill that was almost a mile long. Not sure on the elevation change, but it was steep! I took one break in the middle of the hill, and next time I hope to run the whole thing without stopping. My calf held up pretty well, although I did stop once to stretch it and it felt tight. After the turn around I ran the entire distance home without stopping. That was an accomplishment to me because lately I have been feeling sluggish and taking too many breaks. I felt strong during the run. And I know it is VERY early on in training, but I have been running with so much more confidence lately.
Side note: tried on a pair of pants today and they are still feeling snug. (I know I am at a good weight when they fit comfortably) That was a little bit discouraging because I feel like I have been working so hard lately. I just have to keep at it...the weight loss will come. I should probably write another post today to address the list that I made in one of my first posts. That would help me stay positive by looking at how far I have come this year.
Tomorrow is listed as a "rest" day for training, but I will probably go to the gym and do an easy workout on the elliptical. I have been slacking on my weight training again...need to get those sessions in. They are short, there is no excuse.
I watched an inspirational video the other day about running. They always choke me up. Who knew something so simple could make me so emotional. Here's a quote from the video, I will share more in future posts:
"Why do I run?....Because when I do, there is always the chance to be extraordinary."
Side note: tried on a pair of pants today and they are still feeling snug. (I know I am at a good weight when they fit comfortably) That was a little bit discouraging because I feel like I have been working so hard lately. I just have to keep at it...the weight loss will come. I should probably write another post today to address the list that I made in one of my first posts. That would help me stay positive by looking at how far I have come this year.
Tomorrow is listed as a "rest" day for training, but I will probably go to the gym and do an easy workout on the elliptical. I have been slacking on my weight training again...need to get those sessions in. They are short, there is no excuse.
I watched an inspirational video the other day about running. They always choke me up. Who knew something so simple could make me so emotional. Here's a quote from the video, I will share more in future posts:
"Why do I run?....Because when I do, there is always the chance to be extraordinary."
Monday, June 28, 2010
Training Day One
Woohooo!! Today kicked off my first day of training for my next marathon. I ran 4 miles this morning in 39:13. That's a little bit quicker than the plan, it would have put me at 40:16, but I gave a kick in the last mile because I was feeling good! I did the run on one of my usual courses, down the esplanade to the strand, to the pier and back. Luckily it is still gloomy in the morning which has been keeping the heat away. That also brings a bit of humidity, but I can handle that, it's nothing compared to what I had to deal with in Texas for all those years.
I know it is early, but I am feeling very confindent about the marathon this time around. I learned a lot from the last one. If I can make it through the training and stay injury free I should be looking at a pretty decent PR. Breaking 4 hours will always be in the back of my mind, but I know that it is probably not going to happen this time around.
My "diet" has been going well. I have been counting calories, aiming for 1500-1700 per day. The jeans were feeling a little looser this morning, so that makes me feel good. I went grocery shopping last night and am packing lunches for work again this week. Saves me a ton of money too!! I leave for my parents house 5 weeks from tomorrow and want to look good. I am in training mode now so that helps make me mentally tough and stay on track. Slow and steady. Consistency.
Hoping that this week goes by quickly. Long weekend ahead with some beach time and volleyball action. :)
I know it is early, but I am feeling very confindent about the marathon this time around. I learned a lot from the last one. If I can make it through the training and stay injury free I should be looking at a pretty decent PR. Breaking 4 hours will always be in the back of my mind, but I know that it is probably not going to happen this time around.
My "diet" has been going well. I have been counting calories, aiming for 1500-1700 per day. The jeans were feeling a little looser this morning, so that makes me feel good. I went grocery shopping last night and am packing lunches for work again this week. Saves me a ton of money too!! I leave for my parents house 5 weeks from tomorrow and want to look good. I am in training mode now so that helps make me mentally tough and stay on track. Slow and steady. Consistency.
Hoping that this week goes by quickly. Long weekend ahead with some beach time and volleyball action. :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
World Cup
I am loving the World Cup action!! Even though it is half way around the world and the game times aren't the most convenient, I have still managed to watch most of the games. I am very proud of our boys today. Even though the score does not reflect the skill of the two teams (we outplayed Algeria by a long shot), I am happy that we came away with the win. We had many missed opportunities. We will need to make sure we finish in our game against Ghana on Saturday.
That being said, I am super excited to watch the US's round of 16 game. Having grown up playing soccer into my collegiate years, it is amazing to see the support of the viewers. Even this morning people were dressed in flags at the bar at 7 AM. It gives me hope that the sport of soccer will continue to grow here.
The England/Germany game will also be spectacular.
I can't wait for this weekend. I am planning on watching some good soccer, playing beach volleyball and hopefully getting in a semi-longish run (8 miles) before the game on Saturday.
That being said, I am super excited to watch the US's round of 16 game. Having grown up playing soccer into my collegiate years, it is amazing to see the support of the viewers. Even this morning people were dressed in flags at the bar at 7 AM. It gives me hope that the sport of soccer will continue to grow here.
The England/Germany game will also be spectacular.
I can't wait for this weekend. I am planning on watching some good soccer, playing beach volleyball and hopefully getting in a semi-longish run (8 miles) before the game on Saturday.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Winner Winner, Long Beach It Is!
So I have been debating the last few weeks about whether to run a full marathon this fall. I did my first, the LA Marathon, in March of this year. I ran a decent time, but my competitive nature will just not let me end there. I had been contemplating running the Long Beach Marathon on October 17th. I ran the half there two years ago and would really love to run through the city and campus of my soon-to-be graduate school, Long Beach State. Then the decision got really easy for me...I won an entry to the marathon!! I would run the half again to try to wash the bad run I had there two years ago, but the full runs on the LB campus! So that was a no-brainer!
I have been running steadily since LA. Been averaging about 15-20 miles a week. I think this is probably a good base to start the marathon training at. A plan that I am using is to break 4 hours and starts next week. I'm not sure that the 4 hours is 100% attainable, but I want to get as close as possible. I'm also not going to be so strict about sticking exactly to the training plan. 16 weeks is a long time to train and I don't want to burn myself out. And with school starting in less than two months, I will have to be a little flexible. I like to have a little wiggle room. But no matter what I know that the long runs are important and will be sure to get those in. I also like that my plan includes hills in the beginning, and tempo runs at marathon pace towards the middle and end. The plan I am using is in the July 2010 issue of Runner's World.
My runs have felt a little sluggish lately. I have switched them to the mornings. Not sure if my body is not awake yet, or if it just fatigued from all the exercise. I have been going about 6 days a week for the last few weeks. Perhaps I need to make sure I get enough rest days.
I know the next few months are going to be challenging in many parts of my life, but I am excited and feel ready. I'll be sure to draw on what I learned during training for LA to help improve my time for Long Beach. Training starts Monday, June 28th ....here we go!!
I have been running steadily since LA. Been averaging about 15-20 miles a week. I think this is probably a good base to start the marathon training at. A plan that I am using is to break 4 hours and starts next week. I'm not sure that the 4 hours is 100% attainable, but I want to get as close as possible. I'm also not going to be so strict about sticking exactly to the training plan. 16 weeks is a long time to train and I don't want to burn myself out. And with school starting in less than two months, I will have to be a little flexible. I like to have a little wiggle room. But no matter what I know that the long runs are important and will be sure to get those in. I also like that my plan includes hills in the beginning, and tempo runs at marathon pace towards the middle and end. The plan I am using is in the July 2010 issue of Runner's World.
My runs have felt a little sluggish lately. I have switched them to the mornings. Not sure if my body is not awake yet, or if it just fatigued from all the exercise. I have been going about 6 days a week for the last few weeks. Perhaps I need to make sure I get enough rest days.
I know the next few months are going to be challenging in many parts of my life, but I am excited and feel ready. I'll be sure to draw on what I learned during training for LA to help improve my time for Long Beach. Training starts Monday, June 28th ....here we go!!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Amazing News!!
I have great news to share!! Last Thursday I found out I was accepted to the graduate school that I applied to!!! It is at Cal State Long Beach for Sport Management. I am so excited to quit my current job, start school and a new career path. This place was really bringing me down. I have already been looking at different places to intern at: MESP, AVP, LA Marathon just to name a few. I am ready to turn my passions into my career.
Over the weekend I took part in my very first beach volleyball tournament. Seeing how I have only been playing for a week, I was pretty nervous. Before last weekend, the most volleyball I played was messing around in the backyard with my sister when she played. So I was very impressed with myself when we made it all the way to the semis only to be knocked out by a couple who had been playing together for a long time (it was the first time I had ever played with my teammate). I think like many sports, it takes awhile to find someone that you are compatible with. I would like to play several more times with different people to see who I mesh with best.
I am still struggling with food. I have been doing much better about seperating my emotions from food and not eating impulsively, however, I still could be making much better choices at mealtimes. If you want to run like a champion, you must eat like a champion. I have decided to eat the same food at dinner during the weekend days. I eat the same thing for breakfast Monday-Friday and I think it helps get me into a routine. Dinner M-F will now be brown rice, veggies and a protein. I need the consistancy.
I have also decided that I need to fully commit to working out in the morning. Lately there have been other things in the evening that I have wanted to do that are taking up my work out time. Plus is if I work out in the morning and then play volleyball or ride my bike in the evening I almost get a double workout.
So here is the new weekday plan:
Monday- Spin or cardio & strength
Tuesday- Run
Wednesday- Spin or cardio & strength (may do PM class because I really like instructor)
Thursday- Run
Friday- Cardio & strength
Saturday- Long run followed by volleyball
Sunday-Volleyball
I know it's a lot, but I like it that way, keeps me on my toes. I will probably use Friday as more of a rest day than a true cardio day. And there will also be some weekend where I don't play much volleyball or it will be recreational so I don't count that as a workout day. My 25th birthday and yearly family vacation is in 8 weeks and I want to look great. After I get back from vacation, I start school and I want to feel my best and be confident. I know I can do it, it will just take a lot of focus and dedication on my part. I am also really looking forward to adding the strength training back into my workout, I think it makes a big difference in weight loss for me.
I think it might be time for me to revisit my list I made at the beginning of the year, I have some crossing off to do...
Over the weekend I took part in my very first beach volleyball tournament. Seeing how I have only been playing for a week, I was pretty nervous. Before last weekend, the most volleyball I played was messing around in the backyard with my sister when she played. So I was very impressed with myself when we made it all the way to the semis only to be knocked out by a couple who had been playing together for a long time (it was the first time I had ever played with my teammate). I think like many sports, it takes awhile to find someone that you are compatible with. I would like to play several more times with different people to see who I mesh with best.
I am still struggling with food. I have been doing much better about seperating my emotions from food and not eating impulsively, however, I still could be making much better choices at mealtimes. If you want to run like a champion, you must eat like a champion. I have decided to eat the same food at dinner during the weekend days. I eat the same thing for breakfast Monday-Friday and I think it helps get me into a routine. Dinner M-F will now be brown rice, veggies and a protein. I need the consistancy.
I have also decided that I need to fully commit to working out in the morning. Lately there have been other things in the evening that I have wanted to do that are taking up my work out time. Plus is if I work out in the morning and then play volleyball or ride my bike in the evening I almost get a double workout.
So here is the new weekday plan:
Monday- Spin or cardio & strength
Tuesday- Run
Wednesday- Spin or cardio & strength (may do PM class because I really like instructor)
Thursday- Run
Friday- Cardio & strength
Saturday- Long run followed by volleyball
Sunday-Volleyball
I know it's a lot, but I like it that way, keeps me on my toes. I will probably use Friday as more of a rest day than a true cardio day. And there will also be some weekend where I don't play much volleyball or it will be recreational so I don't count that as a workout day. My 25th birthday and yearly family vacation is in 8 weeks and I want to look great. After I get back from vacation, I start school and I want to feel my best and be confident. I know I can do it, it will just take a lot of focus and dedication on my part. I am also really looking forward to adding the strength training back into my workout, I think it makes a big difference in weight loss for me.
I think it might be time for me to revisit my list I made at the beginning of the year, I have some crossing off to do...
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Memorial Day Weekend
By far one of the best weekends I have had in a very long time. And I sure needed it! We got off work early on Friday and I had time to run some errands and settle in for the night. The rest of the weekend was spent running, biking, hanging at the beach and playing volleyball. I did three runs this weekend...8 Saturday, 6 Sunday and a short 3 miler on Monday on the beach. My runs were much slower than usual, but I didn't mind, I was just happy to be out there. I took a volleyball class on Sunday morning too. I am so impressed with how much better I got in just two days!! I had basically zero experience. Actually I was a bit angry with myself for not starting sooner....I was always afraid that I would embarrass myself. Terrible reason not to try something new! I love it now! Taking class again tomorrow and playing more this week and weekend. It keeps me motivated to be healthy and fit so I look good in my bikini!! Planning on an easy run tonight and maybe some strength training.
Short and sweet today. I have doing much better with my eating, not guilting myself and being very conscious about what I put in my mouth and what my hunger levels are. Haven't weighed myself yet by I think the scale should start heading in the right direction...the side with the lower numbers!
Short and sweet today. I have doing much better with my eating, not guilting myself and being very conscious about what I put in my mouth and what my hunger levels are. Haven't weighed myself yet by I think the scale should start heading in the right direction...the side with the lower numbers!
Friday, May 28, 2010
One Day At A Time
This week as been SO much better for me. I have eaten better, worked out everyday and I am trying to not sweat the small stuff. Last night I even had mac and cheese for dinner and didn't feel guilty about it. I made it to the gym late last night for an interval workout to make sure I was under for the day.
I have also been reading Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God. A friend turned me onto it and I have to admit I was a little nervous about the God part. I was raised in a Catholic family, but no longer practice regularly. I'm not even sure how I feel about God. But the book is amazing. It is a hard read for me. I find myself reading the same paragraphs two maybe three times just so I can fully digest them. Sometimes it's scary how much I can identify with the women she writes about in the book. Her theories about the relationship between food, weight and emotions are dead on for me. This is definately a step in the right direction.
I am still waiting on my GRE scores so that I can send them off to the graduate program and *hopefully* get accepted in the next few weeks. I am trying not to get anxious about it. I have done my best and the rest is in their hands. This weekend is still up in the air. I am worried that if I go to San Diego I will let other people's influence take over and do things that make me stray from the work that I have put in this week. I don't think I am ready yet to put myself into a situation with so many temptations. It might be better for me just to hang out at the house, ride my bike, beach and run this weekend. I think that having a productive, peaceful weekend would be really good for me. Plus I know if I go there I will spend more money than I want to.
Today I am just trying to stay on track. I had a bigger breakfast than normal, but am having a smaller lunch to make up for it. I plan to either run 5 after work or take spin, or maybe both?? I would really like to get an 8 miler in tomorrow morning and start building my mileage back up. Ya know, just in case I feel like doing a spur of the moment 10k or half marathon....you never know!
There are so many passages in Geneen's book, but I will pick this one to share...
"When you stop struggling, stop suffering, stop pushing and pulling yourself around food and your body, when you stop manipulating and controlling, when you actually relax and listen to the truth of what is there, something bigger than your fear will catch you. With repeated experiences of opening and ease, you learn to trust something infinetly more powerful than a set of rules that someone else has made up: your own being."
I have also been reading Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God. A friend turned me onto it and I have to admit I was a little nervous about the God part. I was raised in a Catholic family, but no longer practice regularly. I'm not even sure how I feel about God. But the book is amazing. It is a hard read for me. I find myself reading the same paragraphs two maybe three times just so I can fully digest them. Sometimes it's scary how much I can identify with the women she writes about in the book. Her theories about the relationship between food, weight and emotions are dead on for me. This is definately a step in the right direction.
I am still waiting on my GRE scores so that I can send them off to the graduate program and *hopefully* get accepted in the next few weeks. I am trying not to get anxious about it. I have done my best and the rest is in their hands. This weekend is still up in the air. I am worried that if I go to San Diego I will let other people's influence take over and do things that make me stray from the work that I have put in this week. I don't think I am ready yet to put myself into a situation with so many temptations. It might be better for me just to hang out at the house, ride my bike, beach and run this weekend. I think that having a productive, peaceful weekend would be really good for me. Plus I know if I go there I will spend more money than I want to.
Today I am just trying to stay on track. I had a bigger breakfast than normal, but am having a smaller lunch to make up for it. I plan to either run 5 after work or take spin, or maybe both?? I would really like to get an 8 miler in tomorrow morning and start building my mileage back up. Ya know, just in case I feel like doing a spur of the moment 10k or half marathon....you never know!
There are so many passages in Geneen's book, but I will pick this one to share...
"When you stop struggling, stop suffering, stop pushing and pulling yourself around food and your body, when you stop manipulating and controlling, when you actually relax and listen to the truth of what is there, something bigger than your fear will catch you. With repeated experiences of opening and ease, you learn to trust something infinetly more powerful than a set of rules that someone else has made up: your own being."
Monday, May 24, 2010
Up To Date
I haven't written in forever. Not because I didn't want to, not because I didn't have anything to say. I feel like I haven't made any progress since my last post. And that upsets me. I have been so stressed out about grad school. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't get in. I know that it won't solve all of my problems, but I feel like it is a step in the right direction for me.
I have gained 13 pounds in the last 3 months. I am not happy about that. I don't know if something is physically wrong with me or if it is all mental. About 5 years ago I had my thyroid checked and they told me I was fine. I think that now I have more of the symptoms that I have read about in my research. But then again, it could just be in my head. Then what do I do? Suck it up and realize that I have been lying to myself over and over again? Set out on yet another course of action that I will most likely give up after a week?
I'm not sure what I need to do, but I know I need a change. My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. I have been having awful dreams and have been avoiding social situations. I almost don't even want to go to the gym when it is crowded because I am so embarrassed by the way I look right now. I was relieved that the weather last weekend was bad because I didn't have to put on a bikini. I am afraid to go to San Diego for Memorial Day because I am ashamed.
I just can't keep doing this to myself anymore. I'm only 24, this is no way to live. I bought Geneen Roth's book about a week ago so I am hoping that will help me a little bit.
I am frustrated too because I haven't been able to run or work out because I have been plauged by injuries. First my back, then my toe. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling like I am stuck. Tired. I need to make some changes.
I have gained 13 pounds in the last 3 months. I am not happy about that. I don't know if something is physically wrong with me or if it is all mental. About 5 years ago I had my thyroid checked and they told me I was fine. I think that now I have more of the symptoms that I have read about in my research. But then again, it could just be in my head. Then what do I do? Suck it up and realize that I have been lying to myself over and over again? Set out on yet another course of action that I will most likely give up after a week?
I'm not sure what I need to do, but I know I need a change. My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. I have been having awful dreams and have been avoiding social situations. I almost don't even want to go to the gym when it is crowded because I am so embarrassed by the way I look right now. I was relieved that the weather last weekend was bad because I didn't have to put on a bikini. I am afraid to go to San Diego for Memorial Day because I am ashamed.
I just can't keep doing this to myself anymore. I'm only 24, this is no way to live. I bought Geneen Roth's book about a week ago so I am hoping that will help me a little bit.
I am frustrated too because I haven't been able to run or work out because I have been plauged by injuries. First my back, then my toe. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling like I am stuck. Tired. I need to make some changes.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Me vs My Head
I haven't posted in nearly a week. I have been avoiding it. I avoided it like I avoid lots of other things in my life. Because I just don't want to deal with them. I think last week I finally hit my crossroads. There are two choices here: continue to live and deal with my issues on my own or get help. I chose help. I have realized that I just can't try to do it on my own anymore. In the past I have not chosen to get help because I believed that I was strong enough to tackle my demons on my own. I saw getting help as a sign of weakness. After nine years, I am finally ready to talk to someone.
They say that the first (and maybe the hardest) step is admitting that you have a problem. This has definately been true for me. But I have, and I am ready to change. I am tired of feeling unhappy and helpless. Tired of obsessing over the way I look. Tired of always thinking that other people are judging me. Tired of thinking that I am not good enough. Tired of "starting over" every Monday and feeling like a failure by Tuesday. I waste so much time and energy each day focusing on all my negative thoughts that I forget to have fun and enjoy life.
It may sound cliche, but running and working out is the only thing that helps keep me sane. When I run, go for a hike or take a spin class, all my worries seem to go away. In that moment I am at peace. Training for the marathon has shown me that I am headstrong, that I can conquer things that I never thought were possible for myself. The only problem is that it is temporary. A few minutes or hours later I am right back to where I was before. This is what I need to change. I want to be able to feel as good about myself while to do working out, every moment of my life. I want to take energy and willpower that I have when I run and apply it to every aspect of my life.
I read the March 2010 article in Runner's World about Kara Goucher last night. It really spoke to me. I am not the only one who has insecurities and doubts. Kara was able to tackle hers and become a world class runner. One of her psychologists techniques was to use "key words". One of them was warrior. I want to be a warrior too, for myself. I am going to fight like hell to get through and beat this.
Yesterday was Monday. A "start over" day. I made a conscious effort not to overemphasize what I was eating and planned out my day. I had a breakfast, lunch and dinner that I didn't beat myself up over. I actually enjoyed my drive home in the sun and breeze with the windows down despite the fact I was sitting in traffic. When I got home I felt like I had more energy. Usually on my way home I just want to crawl into bed. I even cleaned my room and went to the gym for a little crosstraining and foam rolling. I went to bed feeling good about myself. I know that it was just one day, but it gave me motivation for Tuesday. I know that I am going to a pre-kickball dinner with some of my teammates tonight. My goal is not to spend the whole day focusing on "messing up" at the dinner and just have a good time.
Tonight after work I am looking forward to a nice, easy run...in daylight too! I am going to use the positive energy that I get from running and direct it towards dinner and having a good day tomorrow. I think I said it before, but it's all about the little things. Little things add up to big things.
I am still working on putting my thoughts on paper (or a screen). So at times, my writing might only make sense to me. But that is ok , this about me and only me.
I can't believe the marathon is this weekend. I am so excited!
Learning to live more,
Ashley
They say that the first (and maybe the hardest) step is admitting that you have a problem. This has definately been true for me. But I have, and I am ready to change. I am tired of feeling unhappy and helpless. Tired of obsessing over the way I look. Tired of always thinking that other people are judging me. Tired of thinking that I am not good enough. Tired of "starting over" every Monday and feeling like a failure by Tuesday. I waste so much time and energy each day focusing on all my negative thoughts that I forget to have fun and enjoy life.
It may sound cliche, but running and working out is the only thing that helps keep me sane. When I run, go for a hike or take a spin class, all my worries seem to go away. In that moment I am at peace. Training for the marathon has shown me that I am headstrong, that I can conquer things that I never thought were possible for myself. The only problem is that it is temporary. A few minutes or hours later I am right back to where I was before. This is what I need to change. I want to be able to feel as good about myself while to do working out, every moment of my life. I want to take energy and willpower that I have when I run and apply it to every aspect of my life.
I read the March 2010 article in Runner's World about Kara Goucher last night. It really spoke to me. I am not the only one who has insecurities and doubts. Kara was able to tackle hers and become a world class runner. One of her psychologists techniques was to use "key words". One of them was warrior. I want to be a warrior too, for myself. I am going to fight like hell to get through and beat this.
Yesterday was Monday. A "start over" day. I made a conscious effort not to overemphasize what I was eating and planned out my day. I had a breakfast, lunch and dinner that I didn't beat myself up over. I actually enjoyed my drive home in the sun and breeze with the windows down despite the fact I was sitting in traffic. When I got home I felt like I had more energy. Usually on my way home I just want to crawl into bed. I even cleaned my room and went to the gym for a little crosstraining and foam rolling. I went to bed feeling good about myself. I know that it was just one day, but it gave me motivation for Tuesday. I know that I am going to a pre-kickball dinner with some of my teammates tonight. My goal is not to spend the whole day focusing on "messing up" at the dinner and just have a good time.
Tonight after work I am looking forward to a nice, easy run...in daylight too! I am going to use the positive energy that I get from running and direct it towards dinner and having a good day tomorrow. I think I said it before, but it's all about the little things. Little things add up to big things.
I am still working on putting my thoughts on paper (or a screen). So at times, my writing might only make sense to me. But that is ok , this about me and only me.
I can't believe the marathon is this weekend. I am so excited!
Learning to live more,
Ashley
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
12 Days To LA!
12 days left until the LA Marathon. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on. Exicted, nervous, etc. Trying not to think about it too much because then I play head games with myself. It felt really good to get in an easier long run over the weekend. I was supposed to do 12, but cut it short and only did 10 because my body felt tired. For the next two weeks I plan on really tuning in and listening to how my body feels, no reason to overdue it.
Over the weekend I bought my Marathon outfit! I caved and went to lululemon again. Hate the prices, love love love the clothes. Going to take the shorts for a test run tonight and the tank over the weekend. I opted for some tight shorts and a loose, light top. Over the years I have converted from running in soccer shorts, "normal" running shorts, to tight running shorts. I really like the tighter shorts, they hold everything together and I have not had any chaffing since wearing them. Haha, I also think people take me more seriously in the tight ones, I recieve many a nod from other runners and bikers. Either that or my butt just looks that good in them. Kidding!! I made sure to pick a bright top so that I stand out when my supporters are looking for me....I am not a girl who wears pink to run, just not my thing. I wore purple for my last race and that was pushing it.
Looking forward to an easy 4-5 miles tonight, some kickball and then tacos with the team after.
Ashley
...I now have "The Final Countdown" song stuck in my head...bonus points if you have seen the one on YouTube with the kazookeylele..
Over the weekend I bought my Marathon outfit! I caved and went to lululemon again. Hate the prices, love love love the clothes. Going to take the shorts for a test run tonight and the tank over the weekend. I opted for some tight shorts and a loose, light top. Over the years I have converted from running in soccer shorts, "normal" running shorts, to tight running shorts. I really like the tighter shorts, they hold everything together and I have not had any chaffing since wearing them. Haha, I also think people take me more seriously in the tight ones, I recieve many a nod from other runners and bikers. Either that or my butt just looks that good in them. Kidding!! I made sure to pick a bright top so that I stand out when my supporters are looking for me....I am not a girl who wears pink to run, just not my thing. I wore purple for my last race and that was pushing it.
Looking forward to an easy 4-5 miles tonight, some kickball and then tacos with the team after.
Ashley
...I now have "The Final Countdown" song stuck in my head...bonus points if you have seen the one on YouTube with the kazookeylele..
Friday, March 5, 2010
Baby Steps
I know it is cliche, but thank goodness today is Friday. This week has been draining. It has definately had its ups and downs. Monday was Monday, nothing special. A rest day after my 20 miles on Sunday. Tuesday was a fantastic workout day! After work I went to run some gigantic stairs by my building at the Baldwin Hills Scenic Overlook. Amazing views from downtown to the beach, I only wish it had been a clearer night. Then after stairs I went for a quickie on the strand and then off to play kickball! Hadn't done that in ages! Wednesday was long. GRE and an info session at CSULB. My scores on the GRE were decent enough that I can now get the process of apply going. I really want to get everything in ASAP so I can get admitted early. And now for Thursday, quite possibly the worst work day I have had ever. EVER. I had my review and all was going well until they asked me how I felt. And boy did I ever. It was like a tidal wave of emotion burst out of me. While it was probably not the best way to do it, it felt good to devulge all that I had bottled up inside.
Finally Friday. Free breakfast in the AM, Chipotle for our coworker's last day for lunch and my favorite spin class tonight. I can't think of a better way to end the week.
I need to remember that everyone has good and bad days. Change is not instantaneous. It takes time and hard work. And to get where I want to be, I am ready to work my tail off. I am so excited to apply and (hopefully) get accepted to grad school and start a new chapter of my life this August. Seems like a long way away, but I'm sure I can find somethings to keep me busy in the meantime.
This weekend begins the taper. 12 miles set for tomorrow, might get some rain, but I don't mind. My friend Sarah wants to come out to run a few miles with me so it will be nice to have some company for a bit. I am looking forward to having a good, healthy and productive weekend. The fridge is loaded with good foods, so it is up to me to make the responsible choices. New Runner's World to read too. YAY!
Have a great weekend,
Ashley
Finally Friday. Free breakfast in the AM, Chipotle for our coworker's last day for lunch and my favorite spin class tonight. I can't think of a better way to end the week.
I need to remember that everyone has good and bad days. Change is not instantaneous. It takes time and hard work. And to get where I want to be, I am ready to work my tail off. I am so excited to apply and (hopefully) get accepted to grad school and start a new chapter of my life this August. Seems like a long way away, but I'm sure I can find somethings to keep me busy in the meantime.
This weekend begins the taper. 12 miles set for tomorrow, might get some rain, but I don't mind. My friend Sarah wants to come out to run a few miles with me so it will be nice to have some company for a bit. I am looking forward to having a good, healthy and productive weekend. The fridge is loaded with good foods, so it is up to me to make the responsible choices. New Runner's World to read too. YAY!
Have a great weekend,
Ashley
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday Runday
Yesterday I did my longest training run for the LA Marathon... 20 miles. I had little to no expectation of myself for this run. I have never run that far in my life so I had no idea how my body would react. My goal was just to get up, run and enjoy myself, not worry about pace/time/etc. I think that worked in my favor because it ended up being one of the best runs of my life. Not having any pressure let me relax and really enjoy the run. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, about 60 with clear, sunny skies. I was blown away by the pace that I kept. My goal pace for the marathon is 9:30 and I ended up averaging 9:45 for the entire run, total time 3:15. Kinda crazy I thought. Who knows, maybe I will have a faster pace for LA? Suprisingly, I feel better today than I did after my 18 last week. I think it's because I took more time to stretch and kept moving afterward.
I meet an LA Marathon legacy runner at one of the water fountain. That was pretty awesome. It was really inspiring to see all the people out training.
Running 20 miles made me realize something. I need to use the same determination and mentality that I use to run as I do in other areas of my life. If I can run 20 miles, I should be able to skip the cookie in the kitchen, to pass on the french fries, to not munch on the chips, etc. I have been really angry with my eating habits over the last 2 weeks. My pants are still feeling tight and I HATE that. I really want to focus on nutrition for the next 3 weeks and fuel my body with good food so I can be as prepared as possible for the marathon. The last thing I want that day is to have excuses for why I didn't do as well as I wanted/could. I want to look like a runner, live like a runner, be a runner. If I want to run 8 min miles, I need to eat like a person who runs 8 min miles, and for me, that means better than I do now.
After LA I plan on going on a one month veggie/vegan diet. I did it last year for about 4 months and my body felt really good. Almost like detox.
I felt like I had a lot to say today and not sure that it all came out right. Sometimes what I am thinking just doesn't translate well when I try to put it into words. It's a constant internal battle for me that I think really only I understand. I thought of something while running yesterday. It might be kinda cheesy and I'm sure somewhere along the way someone else has said it.
"I may run by myself, but I am never alone." That's why I love the running community.
I meet an LA Marathon legacy runner at one of the water fountain. That was pretty awesome. It was really inspiring to see all the people out training.
Running 20 miles made me realize something. I need to use the same determination and mentality that I use to run as I do in other areas of my life. If I can run 20 miles, I should be able to skip the cookie in the kitchen, to pass on the french fries, to not munch on the chips, etc. I have been really angry with my eating habits over the last 2 weeks. My pants are still feeling tight and I HATE that. I really want to focus on nutrition for the next 3 weeks and fuel my body with good food so I can be as prepared as possible for the marathon. The last thing I want that day is to have excuses for why I didn't do as well as I wanted/could. I want to look like a runner, live like a runner, be a runner. If I want to run 8 min miles, I need to eat like a person who runs 8 min miles, and for me, that means better than I do now.
After LA I plan on going on a one month veggie/vegan diet. I did it last year for about 4 months and my body felt really good. Almost like detox.
I felt like I had a lot to say today and not sure that it all came out right. Sometimes what I am thinking just doesn't translate well when I try to put it into words. It's a constant internal battle for me that I think really only I understand. I thought of something while running yesterday. It might be kinda cheesy and I'm sure somewhere along the way someone else has said it.
"I may run by myself, but I am never alone." That's why I love the running community.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Working On The List
In the beginning of this year I made a list. A list of things I wanted to achieve before the end of the year. Here's some of it:
-lose weight (seems to always be on the list)
-get a new job
-get a new apartment (walking distance to strand)
-eat better
-drink less
-run a marathon
-new PR for half
-get a new car (comes after getting a new job)
-get into grad school
-save more money
Phew! That's a lot. And pretty ambigious. And for the most part it's very slow going. It's hard not to get frustrated with my progress, but I feel like I am working towards making the better part of these happen.
One I can definately cross off is breaking my PR for the half. At the Surf City Half Marathon in Huntington Beach, CA I crossed the finish at 1:58:06. My goal was to break 2 hours and I ended up setting a PR by 4 minutes. Succes!! Also running the LA Marathon next month so I will get to cross that one off. Also studying and taking the GRE on Wednesday so I can apply to grad school.
I think for me the most important thing to remember is to take things day by day. And not to sweat the small stuff. I tend to bottle things up until they are ready to explode. Luckily, running has helped me relieve some of my daily stress. Instead of focusing on the things that I have no control over, I need to center my attention on things that I can control, even little things. Like eating wholesome meals and drinking less. The right job and apartment will come along in a matter of time. I am making an effort and hopefully it won't go unnoticed.
My plan for the weekend is to be good to myself. I have A LOT of studying to do, some apartment hunting, a 20 mile run to Malibu and need to have some quality friend and sibling time. I also need to get groceries and fill my fridge with foods that will support my running, weight loss and muscle recovery. I need to lay off the alcohol which shouldn't be hard because I won't go out tonight or Saturday night because the big run is on Sunday morning. Sunday evening is the gold medal game for USA Men's Hockey and I'm really looking forward to it. Funny to see people in a bar chanting USA at the TV! Final plan for this weekend is to RELAX...something I am learning to get better at. Haha, maybe I should put that on the list too.
Report and maybe some pics of the big run to come on Monday. Until then, a quote by the man, Steve Prefontaine...
"You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement."
Ashley
-lose weight (seems to always be on the list)
-get a new job
-get a new apartment (walking distance to strand)
-eat better
-drink less
-run a marathon
-new PR for half
-get a new car (comes after getting a new job)
-get into grad school
-save more money
Phew! That's a lot. And pretty ambigious. And for the most part it's very slow going. It's hard not to get frustrated with my progress, but I feel like I am working towards making the better part of these happen.
One I can definately cross off is breaking my PR for the half. At the Surf City Half Marathon in Huntington Beach, CA I crossed the finish at 1:58:06. My goal was to break 2 hours and I ended up setting a PR by 4 minutes. Succes!! Also running the LA Marathon next month so I will get to cross that one off. Also studying and taking the GRE on Wednesday so I can apply to grad school.
I think for me the most important thing to remember is to take things day by day. And not to sweat the small stuff. I tend to bottle things up until they are ready to explode. Luckily, running has helped me relieve some of my daily stress. Instead of focusing on the things that I have no control over, I need to center my attention on things that I can control, even little things. Like eating wholesome meals and drinking less. The right job and apartment will come along in a matter of time. I am making an effort and hopefully it won't go unnoticed.
My plan for the weekend is to be good to myself. I have A LOT of studying to do, some apartment hunting, a 20 mile run to Malibu and need to have some quality friend and sibling time. I also need to get groceries and fill my fridge with foods that will support my running, weight loss and muscle recovery. I need to lay off the alcohol which shouldn't be hard because I won't go out tonight or Saturday night because the big run is on Sunday morning. Sunday evening is the gold medal game for USA Men's Hockey and I'm really looking forward to it. Funny to see people in a bar chanting USA at the TV! Final plan for this weekend is to RELAX...something I am learning to get better at. Haha, maybe I should put that on the list too.
Report and maybe some pics of the big run to come on Monday. Until then, a quote by the man, Steve Prefontaine...
"You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement."
Ashley
Thursday, February 25, 2010
23 Days and Counting
I don't know why I didn't start this sooner. But here I am, 23 days away from my first marathon, the LA Marathon.
I have been running steadily now for over 2 years. I took a hiatus after my very first half marathon, the OC 1/2 Marathon in early 2006. Running a marathon was never something I thought I would want to do. I was perfectly happy with running 10Ks and halves for the rest of my running life. The thought of doing a 16 mile training run was daunting and something I just wanted no part of. But then it hit me...at Malloy's in Hermosa Beach on a Sunday Funday watching football. A friend of mine decided she wanted to run a marathon and she didn't want to do it alone, so I said "what the hell". I figured with all the training I had been doing for my Ragnars and my halves, now was the perfect time. So there, on a beverage napkin, I mapped out our weekly training runs leading up to the LA Marathon.
This weekend I will run my last building run, and the farthest run of my life, 20 miles. After that it is time to rest and taper until Marathon Day. I have definately had mixed emotions. There have been injuries, sickness and days where I just didn't feel like running. There have been days where I think I have this thing in the bag and days where I question if I have it in me. I don't know what exactly will happen on marathon day, but I do know one thing....I WILL FINISH. And when I do, I will probably cry like a baby. Heck, I cry when I watch other people finish marathons. Even thinking about crossing the finish line can choke me up. But I want that feeling sooooo bad. Apparently, so bad that I am willing to run 26.2 miles to get it.
I'll end my first post with a quote...one that I saw during my first half and has stuck with me.
"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
Happy Running,
Ashley
I have been running steadily now for over 2 years. I took a hiatus after my very first half marathon, the OC 1/2 Marathon in early 2006. Running a marathon was never something I thought I would want to do. I was perfectly happy with running 10Ks and halves for the rest of my running life. The thought of doing a 16 mile training run was daunting and something I just wanted no part of. But then it hit me...at Malloy's in Hermosa Beach on a Sunday Funday watching football. A friend of mine decided she wanted to run a marathon and she didn't want to do it alone, so I said "what the hell". I figured with all the training I had been doing for my Ragnars and my halves, now was the perfect time. So there, on a beverage napkin, I mapped out our weekly training runs leading up to the LA Marathon.
This weekend I will run my last building run, and the farthest run of my life, 20 miles. After that it is time to rest and taper until Marathon Day. I have definately had mixed emotions. There have been injuries, sickness and days where I just didn't feel like running. There have been days where I think I have this thing in the bag and days where I question if I have it in me. I don't know what exactly will happen on marathon day, but I do know one thing....I WILL FINISH. And when I do, I will probably cry like a baby. Heck, I cry when I watch other people finish marathons. Even thinking about crossing the finish line can choke me up. But I want that feeling sooooo bad. Apparently, so bad that I am willing to run 26.2 miles to get it.
I'll end my first post with a quote...one that I saw during my first half and has stuck with me.
"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
Happy Running,
Ashley
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