Me vs My Head

I haven't posted in nearly a week. I have been avoiding it. I avoided it like I avoid lots of other things in my life. Because I just don't want to deal with them. I think last week I finally hit my crossroads. There are two choices here: continue to live and deal with my issues on my own or get help. I chose help. I have realized that I just can't try to do it on my own anymore. In the past I have not chosen to get help because I believed that I was strong enough to tackle my demons on my own. I saw getting help as a sign of weakness. After nine years, I am finally ready to talk to someone.

They say that the first (and maybe the hardest) step is admitting that you have a problem. This has definately been true for me. But I have, and I am ready to change. I am tired of feeling unhappy and helpless. Tired of obsessing over the way I look. Tired of always thinking that other people are judging me. Tired of thinking that I am not good enough. Tired of "starting over" every Monday and feeling like a failure by Tuesday. I waste so much time and energy each day focusing on all my negative thoughts that I forget to have fun and enjoy life.

It may sound cliche, but running and working out is the only thing that helps keep me sane. When I run, go for a hike or take a spin class, all my worries seem to go away. In that moment I am at peace. Training for the marathon has shown me that I am headstrong, that I can conquer things that I never thought were possible for myself. The only problem is that it is temporary. A few minutes or hours later I am right back to where I was before. This is what I need to change. I want to be able to feel as good about myself while to do working out, every moment of my life. I want to take energy and willpower that I have when I run and apply it to every aspect of my life.

I read the March 2010 article in Runner's World about Kara Goucher last night. It really spoke to me. I am not the only one who has insecurities and doubts. Kara was able to tackle hers and become a world class runner. One of her psychologists techniques was to use "key words". One of them was warrior. I want to be a warrior too, for myself. I am going to fight like hell to get through and beat this.

Yesterday was Monday. A "start over" day. I made a conscious effort not to overemphasize what I was eating and planned out my day. I had a breakfast, lunch and dinner that I didn't beat myself up over. I actually enjoyed my drive home in the sun and breeze with the windows down despite the fact I was sitting in traffic. When I got home I felt like I had more energy. Usually on my way home I just want to crawl into bed. I even cleaned my room and went to the gym for a little crosstraining and foam rolling. I went to bed feeling good about myself. I know that it was just one day, but it gave me motivation for Tuesday. I know that I am going to a pre-kickball dinner with some of my teammates tonight. My goal is not to spend the whole day focusing on "messing up" at the dinner and just have a good time.

Tonight after work I am looking forward to a nice, easy run...in daylight too! I am going to use the positive energy that I get from running and direct it towards dinner and having a good day tomorrow. I think I said it before, but it's all about the little things. Little things add up to big things.

I am still working on putting my thoughts on paper (or a screen). So at times, my writing might only make sense to me. But that is ok , this about me and only me.

I can't believe the marathon is this weekend. I am so excited!

Learning to live more,

Ashley

12 Days To LA!

12 days left until the LA Marathon. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on. Exicted, nervous, etc. Trying not to think about it too much because then I play head games with myself. It felt really good to get in an easier long run over the weekend. I was supposed to do 12, but cut it short and only did 10 because my body felt tired. For the next two weeks I plan on really tuning in and listening to how my body feels, no reason to overdue it.

Over the weekend I bought my Marathon outfit! I caved and went to lululemon again. Hate the prices, love love love the clothes. Going to take the shorts for a test run tonight and the tank over the weekend. I opted for some tight shorts and a loose, light top. Over the years I have converted from running in soccer shorts, "normal" running shorts, to tight running shorts. I really like the tighter shorts, they hold everything together and I have not had any chaffing since wearing them. Haha, I also think people take me more seriously in the tight ones, I recieve many a nod from other runners and bikers. Either that or my butt just looks that good in them. Kidding!! I made sure to pick a bright top so that I stand out when my supporters are looking for me....I am not a girl who wears pink to run, just not my thing. I wore purple for my last race and that was pushing it.

Looking forward to an easy 4-5 miles tonight, some kickball and then tacos with the team after.

Ashley

...I now have "The Final Countdown" song stuck in my head...bonus points if you have seen the one on YouTube with the kazookeylele..

Baby Steps

I know it is cliche, but thank goodness today is Friday. This week has been draining. It has definately had its ups and downs. Monday was Monday, nothing special. A rest day after my 20 miles on Sunday. Tuesday was a fantastic workout day! After work I went to run some gigantic stairs by my building at the Baldwin Hills Scenic Overlook. Amazing views from downtown to the beach, I only wish it had been a clearer night. Then after stairs I went for a quickie on the strand and then off to play kickball! Hadn't done that in ages! Wednesday was long. GRE and an info session at CSULB. My scores on the GRE were decent enough that I can now get the process of apply going. I really want to get everything in ASAP so I can get admitted early. And now for Thursday, quite possibly the worst work day I have had ever. EVER. I had my review and all was going well until they asked me how I felt. And boy did I ever. It was like a tidal wave of emotion burst out of me. While it was probably not the best way to do it, it felt good to devulge all that I had bottled up inside.

Finally Friday. Free breakfast in the AM, Chipotle for our coworker's last day for lunch and my favorite spin class tonight. I can't think of a better way to end the week.

I need to remember that everyone has good and bad days. Change is not instantaneous. It takes time and hard work. And to get where I want to be, I am ready to work my tail off. I am so excited to apply and (hopefully) get accepted to grad school and start a new chapter of my life this August. Seems like a long way away, but I'm sure I can find somethings to keep me busy in the meantime.

This weekend begins the taper. 12 miles set for tomorrow, might get some rain, but I don't mind. My friend Sarah wants to come out to run a few miles with me so it will be nice to have some company for a bit. I am looking forward to having a good, healthy and productive weekend. The fridge is loaded with good foods, so it is up to me to make the responsible choices. New Runner's World to read too. YAY!

Have a great weekend,

Ashley

Sunday Runday

Yesterday I did my longest training run for the LA Marathon... 20 miles. I had little to no expectation of myself for this run. I have never run that far in my life so I had no idea how my body would react. My goal was just to get up, run and enjoy myself, not worry about pace/time/etc. I think that worked in my favor because it ended up being one of the best runs of my life. Not having any pressure let me relax and really enjoy the run. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, about 60 with clear, sunny skies. I was blown away by the pace that I kept. My goal pace for the marathon is 9:30 and I ended up averaging 9:45 for the entire run, total time 3:15. Kinda crazy I thought. Who knows, maybe I will have a faster pace for LA? Suprisingly, I feel better today than I did after my 18 last week. I think it's because I took more time to stretch and kept moving afterward.

I meet an LA Marathon legacy runner at one of the water fountain. That was pretty awesome. It was really inspiring to see all the people out training.

Running 20 miles made me realize something. I need to use the same determination and mentality that I use to run as I do in other areas of my life. If I can run 20 miles, I should be able to skip the cookie in the kitchen, to pass on the french fries, to not munch on the chips, etc. I have been really angry with my eating habits over the last 2 weeks. My pants are still feeling tight and I HATE that. I really want to focus on nutrition for the next 3 weeks and fuel my body with good food so I can be as prepared as possible for the marathon. The last thing I want that day is to have excuses for why I didn't do as well as I wanted/could. I want to look like a runner, live like a runner, be a runner. If I want to run 8 min miles, I need to eat like a person who runs 8 min miles, and for me, that means better than I do now.

After LA I plan on going on a one month veggie/vegan diet. I did it last year for about 4 months and my body felt really good. Almost like detox.

I felt like I had a lot to say today and not sure that it all came out right. Sometimes what I am thinking just doesn't translate well when I try to put it into words. It's a constant internal battle for me that I think really only I understand. I thought of something while running yesterday. It might be kinda cheesy and I'm sure somewhere along the way someone else has said it.

"I may run by myself, but I am never alone." That's why I love the running community.