One Day At A Time

This week as been SO much better for me. I have eaten better, worked out everyday and I am trying to not sweat the small stuff. Last night I even had mac and cheese for dinner and didn't feel guilty about it. I made it to the gym late last night for an interval workout to make sure I was under for the day.

I have also been reading Geneen Roth's Women, Food and God. A friend turned me onto it and I have to admit I was a little nervous about the God part. I was raised in a Catholic family, but no longer practice regularly. I'm not even sure how I feel about God. But the book is amazing. It is a hard read for me. I find myself reading the same paragraphs two maybe three times just so I can fully digest them. Sometimes it's scary how much I can identify with the women she writes about in the book. Her theories about the relationship between food, weight and emotions are dead on for me. This is definately a step in the right direction.

I am still waiting on my GRE scores so that I can send them off to the graduate program and *hopefully* get accepted in the next few weeks. I am trying not to get anxious about it. I have done my best and the rest is in their hands. This weekend is still up in the air. I am worried that if I go to San Diego I will let other people's influence take over and do things that make me stray from the work that I have put in this week. I don't think I am ready yet to put myself into a situation with so many temptations. It might be better for me just to hang out at the house, ride my bike, beach and run this weekend. I think that having a productive, peaceful weekend would be really good for me. Plus I know if I go there I will spend more money than I want to.

Today I am just trying to stay on track. I had a bigger breakfast than normal, but am having a smaller lunch to make up for it. I plan to either run 5 after work or take spin, or maybe both?? I would really like to get an 8 miler in tomorrow morning and start building my mileage back up. Ya know, just in case I feel like doing a spur of the moment 10k or half marathon....you never know!

There are so many passages in Geneen's book, but I will pick this one to share...

"When you stop struggling, stop suffering, stop pushing and pulling yourself around food and your body, when you stop manipulating and controlling, when you actually relax and listen to the truth of what is there, something bigger than your fear will catch you. With repeated experiences of opening and ease, you learn to trust something infinetly more powerful than a set of rules that someone else has made up: your own being."

Up To Date

I haven't written in forever. Not because I didn't want to, not because I didn't have anything to say. I feel like I haven't made any progress since my last post. And that upsets me. I have been so stressed out about grad school. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't get in. I know that it won't solve all of my problems, but I feel like it is a step in the right direction for me.

I have gained 13 pounds in the last 3 months. I am not happy about that. I don't know if something is physically wrong with me or if it is all mental. About 5 years ago I had my thyroid checked and they told me I was fine. I think that now I have more of the symptoms that I have read about in my research. But then again, it could just be in my head. Then what do I do? Suck it up and realize that I have been lying to myself over and over again? Set out on yet another course of action that I will most likely give up after a week?

I'm not sure what I need to do, but I know I need a change. My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. I have been having awful dreams and have been avoiding social situations. I almost don't even want to go to the gym when it is crowded because I am so embarrassed by the way I look right now. I was relieved that the weather last weekend was bad because I didn't have to put on a bikini. I am afraid to go to San Diego for Memorial Day because I am ashamed.

I just can't keep doing this to myself anymore. I'm only 24, this is no way to live. I bought Geneen Roth's book about a week ago so I am hoping that will help me a little bit.

I am frustrated too because I haven't been able to run or work out because I have been plauged by injuries. First my back, then my toe. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling like I am stuck. Tired. I need to make some changes.