Up To Date

I haven't written in forever. Not because I didn't want to, not because I didn't have anything to say. I feel like I haven't made any progress since my last post. And that upsets me. I have been so stressed out about grad school. I don't know what I am going to do if I don't get in. I know that it won't solve all of my problems, but I feel like it is a step in the right direction for me.

I have gained 13 pounds in the last 3 months. I am not happy about that. I don't know if something is physically wrong with me or if it is all mental. About 5 years ago I had my thyroid checked and they told me I was fine. I think that now I have more of the symptoms that I have read about in my research. But then again, it could just be in my head. Then what do I do? Suck it up and realize that I have been lying to myself over and over again? Set out on yet another course of action that I will most likely give up after a week?

I'm not sure what I need to do, but I know I need a change. My anxiety has gotten really bad lately. I have been having awful dreams and have been avoiding social situations. I almost don't even want to go to the gym when it is crowded because I am so embarrassed by the way I look right now. I was relieved that the weather last weekend was bad because I didn't have to put on a bikini. I am afraid to go to San Diego for Memorial Day because I am ashamed.

I just can't keep doing this to myself anymore. I'm only 24, this is no way to live. I bought Geneen Roth's book about a week ago so I am hoping that will help me a little bit.

I am frustrated too because I haven't been able to run or work out because I have been plauged by injuries. First my back, then my toe. Tired of being hurt. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling like I am stuck. Tired. I need to make some changes.