Me vs My Head

I haven't posted in nearly a week. I have been avoiding it. I avoided it like I avoid lots of other things in my life. Because I just don't want to deal with them. I think last week I finally hit my crossroads. There are two choices here: continue to live and deal with my issues on my own or get help. I chose help. I have realized that I just can't try to do it on my own anymore. In the past I have not chosen to get help because I believed that I was strong enough to tackle my demons on my own. I saw getting help as a sign of weakness. After nine years, I am finally ready to talk to someone.

They say that the first (and maybe the hardest) step is admitting that you have a problem. This has definately been true for me. But I have, and I am ready to change. I am tired of feeling unhappy and helpless. Tired of obsessing over the way I look. Tired of always thinking that other people are judging me. Tired of thinking that I am not good enough. Tired of "starting over" every Monday and feeling like a failure by Tuesday. I waste so much time and energy each day focusing on all my negative thoughts that I forget to have fun and enjoy life.

It may sound cliche, but running and working out is the only thing that helps keep me sane. When I run, go for a hike or take a spin class, all my worries seem to go away. In that moment I am at peace. Training for the marathon has shown me that I am headstrong, that I can conquer things that I never thought were possible for myself. The only problem is that it is temporary. A few minutes or hours later I am right back to where I was before. This is what I need to change. I want to be able to feel as good about myself while to do working out, every moment of my life. I want to take energy and willpower that I have when I run and apply it to every aspect of my life.

I read the March 2010 article in Runner's World about Kara Goucher last night. It really spoke to me. I am not the only one who has insecurities and doubts. Kara was able to tackle hers and become a world class runner. One of her psychologists techniques was to use "key words". One of them was warrior. I want to be a warrior too, for myself. I am going to fight like hell to get through and beat this.

Yesterday was Monday. A "start over" day. I made a conscious effort not to overemphasize what I was eating and planned out my day. I had a breakfast, lunch and dinner that I didn't beat myself up over. I actually enjoyed my drive home in the sun and breeze with the windows down despite the fact I was sitting in traffic. When I got home I felt like I had more energy. Usually on my way home I just want to crawl into bed. I even cleaned my room and went to the gym for a little crosstraining and foam rolling. I went to bed feeling good about myself. I know that it was just one day, but it gave me motivation for Tuesday. I know that I am going to a pre-kickball dinner with some of my teammates tonight. My goal is not to spend the whole day focusing on "messing up" at the dinner and just have a good time.

Tonight after work I am looking forward to a nice, easy run...in daylight too! I am going to use the positive energy that I get from running and direct it towards dinner and having a good day tomorrow. I think I said it before, but it's all about the little things. Little things add up to big things.

I am still working on putting my thoughts on paper (or a screen). So at times, my writing might only make sense to me. But that is ok , this about me and only me.

I can't believe the marathon is this weekend. I am so excited!

Learning to live more,

Ashley